Starting From Here

Thinking about the past can make you stagnant. Also, worrying about the future can cause you to delay everything that’s for you. From 2002, all the way until the year 2024. I have always felt like I have been behind in life. I have always felt like I’m late, and I missed growing because it has flown right by me. I’m learning everyday that’s what I have been playing in my head on repeat. That button has been stuck for so long and I haven’t been able to pry it out of its position until now.

I desired so many things from a young adult. Hitting that unexpected wall of illness and I’m not getting them as quickly as I wanted them. Ultimately as my age increased. I felt misfortune. I felt jealousy. My friends graduating from colleges and living on their own. Driving and all such things I thought I would experience in the way I planned it. It did not happen that way. I was just as smart. I was doing what I was supposed to. Where did I go wrong?

I watched my best friend have children. I saw my other friends getting married. Showing off everything that they had accumulated over time. It made me yearn to be like them. It made me angry that I was struggling like I was. I couldn’t get it. I was mad at God, but I tried not to be. I tried to pretend that I wasn’t. For years, I went on.

I eventually began working. I received my degree from college. I lived on my own, but these things weren’t without struggle. I broke down one night. I cried and I finally confessed to God that I was angry with Him, and I didn’t understand why my life was flipped around like it was? I questioned and I cried. Even though I fell asleep in peace. My heart was not healed.

I moved back home with my parents after suffering a breakdown and to me, I felt like I was losing everything. My breakdown was bad. But, what could I do, but conform to my reality. Viral meningitis and encephalitis stole my childhood. Anxiety, depression and mental health issues was taking my adult life away. I was giving up.

I’m 40 years’ old and I just look at how much I have learned since 17 when I was diagnosed with that viral disease. I had everything planned and not once did I include God as much as I should have. I was living in the structure of the world and not in the structure that God had called for me to live. Yes, I was and still am a believer. But now, Him before me and my wants is more important than the things I saw before Him then.

I don’t have all the answers right now, but I’m starting from where I am. I have everything I need for the season I am in at this moment. I know God. I trust Him. My detour was a setup for the best testimony, and the greatest glory for Him. I have many things to share. I’ll be sharing my testimony soon.